raison d'etre

Shoot

me

or 

yourself

to save

this little oily hell

with your sticky smell

and your

swell

well

alright

way of saying goodnight

to sleep tight

on the mattress

where you met me

and forgot me

and lost me all over again

and again

and you’re shouting

amen 

to pretend

that you’re praying at all

cuz the fall

after all

is eternally worth it

so i guess we’ll endure it

and float

in a cloud

or a boat

if that’s allowed

and stare at the naked girls hotter than me

who all could give you quite a lot more than me 

parce que my french is shitty

but you’re my raison d’être 

Baise-moi

if you’re in the mood

but my little fucking heart

can’t really start 

bearing this menage a trois relationship

bullshit

kissing me and missing her

and pretending we 

never were

you’ve got my feelings twirling

like a ballerina

who dropped acid during swan lake

and fell into the orchestra pit

and staked

herself 

naked 

on the accordion’s music stand

and bled until her tutu was gauze

be-caaaaaauze

you just wanna live 2 years behind 

and, sweetheart, you’re blowing my mind. 

Either tell me that you’re holding my hand

or tell me that you’re not. 

Either want me to kiss you every :27

or tell me that you don’t. 

Either say to me “hey we should be” 

or give me the trigger to the shot. 

if you’re feeling poetic 

you should’ve just left it

well enough

all alone

or let me build 

(in your hands)

a little home 

where we can be

all alone

together. 

Drop the Pin

I wrote something about your mind

And I told you that you look awful nice in peach

and that the sand on your shoes wouldn't help 

climbing up the rocks from the shore

anymore

But I deleted it all because your angel was even more beautiful in my words than she is in your eyes

Also because my tongue is getting tired

of hating the way that I am telling my heart

to keep on chugging

and plugging

and giving the break

to take

or make

another choice for your team or mine

again.

So despite everyone's warnings about the ways

of your 

nuances

I'm going to keep on wishing forever that your breath was underneath my teeth and that my words were on your tongue the way that my words are inked into my skin. 

And despite the fact that you don't think i know you at all

and that

you couldn't tell my right from my left

I realize that maybe it's just the fact that I'm always lost. 

I really must have terrible directionality

because I just can't get into your heart

Yellow

You earnestly encompassed my flowerpots and hugged the hemlock like another mother smothering the wind again. 

Threesomes that I missed when you were calculating the exchange rates for your final runaway attempt, humming honey bee and cherry bomb to yourself, hitchhiking in your mind in order to find a tragedy to rectify the disclosure. 

"Don't you dare say what when I say fuck me" and leave the money on the doormat when you pay for finishing first. 

I love your future like a child and your past like a morning fog bank. 

you read

bon matin

my heartbeat is resting next to yours, so calm on down and i'll get some sleep 

When you called to wish me happy valentines day, we opened up the camera to see your face. 

I was bouncing in the back just trying to say "fuck you"

And she fell to her knees and said "fuck me" 

And she looked into your eyes and she said "fuck off" 

And when you hung up in black licorice, you said "fuck it" 

But still. Even when you're far away, you've got me thinking "wish you were here." Bravo 

If you never knew my name

I get scared people will do what I think and then they think that I do what they're doing and then I'm remembering that I think about my doings less than thinkers who let their thinkings start their doings and my doings stop mattering and your thinkings are all I wonder about and we're thinking and doing too far apart and you forgot and I remembered.

And then we both walked on.

xanax for the realist

Nothing can be solved.
Just write dope poetry and drink.
Keep eating your lolipops like they're nutritional and dye your tongue bluer than before.
Schedule in time for you to slap yourself in the face for caring.


You could've made a better choice when you were four and decided to be an astronaut instead of a princess. It would've been more realistic.
Maybe you would've made it instead of sitting at 44 without a person who gives a fuck that you are breathing and a bottle of cognac and a whole bottle of pills which you're taking all at once to give you a quick dose of death.

Goodnight.

Alternate Ending

[FADE IN]
I stared at the counter, watching the shadows from the car headlights passing on the street below shine against the wall behind MY and reflect against the tops of MY hands. I was humming something slowly and quietly, at first unaware that the door behind ME was swinging open.
YOU enter, the smoke still curling out of YOUR lips, the sounds of the city dulling the sound of your heavy breathing. YOU stare at MY back and I begin to cry.

ME

Why couldn't you have trusted the liquid desires you wrought inside of my nervous system?

YOU

You don't make sense anymore. 

ME

It's like you never wanted me to stick around for long enough for you to love it, but just for long enough to prove wrong the blueness of her eyes. 

I turn to YOU.   YOU step closer to me, letting the palms of YOUR hands wrap around MY wrists. YOU don't remember the last time that YOU touched ME. MY heart is beating so loudly that YOU can feel it on my skin.

YOU

Give up, already. Just walk away.

ME

I wanted to wish you Merry Christmas on the rooftop of the hand sanitizer factory.  I wanted to kiss you at midnight when the year dies.

YOU

One day, you'll stop babbling and I'll thank God for the fact that he invented lips to close your mouth. 

YOU let go of ME and turn to the cabinet. YOU pour a glass of wine and hand it to ME. I sip it while you grab YOURSELF a beer. 

ME

I thank God that he invented lips so that I can touch yours. 

YOU

Then stop giving up. 

ME

Then stop pretending that you want me to.

YOU

You left. 

ME

I wasn't planning on going anywhere anyway. I just wanted to know if you would fight for me. You didn't. You never do. Nobody ever has.

YOU

You are the worst thing that's happened to me since the hurricane last February. Lots of wind. Lots of rain. I was so wet.

ME

That's probably why you needed me, just to dry you up. But, I'm the worst thing that's happened to anyone since the world became flammable. You're flammable now. So, it's probably time for me to go.

I put down the glass of wine and turn to the door. I slide into YOUR coat, which has spray paint on the arms, and I slip a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket. It's empty.

ME

I thought you quit. 

YOU

I thought you cared. 

I put the pack back in the pocket and walk toward YOU, grabbing the key ring from YOUR pocket, holding it with MY teeth as I zip up MY sweater underneath. Turning away, I step into MY shoes and open the door.

YOU clear your throat and I turn. I watch YOU finish YOUR beer and toss the bottle in the sink. It shatters. YOU step to ME and push ME against the fridge, which rocks against OUR weight. YOU haven't been this close to ME in so long that I had forgotten what YOUR eyes looked like when YOU could actually see ME. I smile.

YOU

I wish you'd talk to me. 

ME

I'll always love you. 

YOU

I don't want to make you unhappy...

ME

I'll always love you. 

YOU

Bella... 

ME

Fight for me. 

YOU

Fight who? 

ME

Me. 

YOU

Don't leave. 

ME

Thank you. 

WE kiss. I love YOU quite a lot. It's all very simple.
 [FADE OUT]


I'm sorry.

cut to burn

like it was all already gone

universally underrated

without congruencies 

for anything 

or the train tracks on the west side

death avenue

all anchored down

for the storm

blowing

and kindling

in the vein of the 

presocratic philosophy

that you never paid much attention to

like me

or